Beloved Stranger

shattered_tears

Dear beloved stranger
Each time I look into your eyes,
Instead of love I see resentment
I know this because when you look at me,
You see right through me
As if I am invisible;
We’ve always lacked that special bond
That most mothers and daughters have
Why is that?
What do you see when you look at me?
What do you hear when you hear me speak?
Do you even see me?
Do you even hear me?

Dear beloved stranger
Each time I give you my hand, you pull away
Each time I try to tell you how I feel, you snap at me
Each time I show you what’s in my heart, you spit on me
Like most daughters,
All I’ve ever wanted was to make you proud
To appreciate me…
Yet, nothing I’ve ever done has been good enough
If I was born male, would you have treated me differently?
Perhaps even loved me?
Could it be that you wished I was the son you always wanted,
But never had?

Dear beloved stranger
Does it even matter what I’ve achieved for you so far?
And yet, you still criticize me, insult me, and belittle me
I try so hard to please you,
But I fail every single time
You refuse to acknowledge my worth,
time and time again
Because to you,
I’ll always be just a disappointment
A burden…

Dear beloved stranger
Only you have the power to hurt me in ways that no one else can
Only you have the vigour to shatter my esteem like no one else can
Only you have the ability to make me crawl into a little corner and cry like an infant
You can’t see the thundering turmoil that’s burning inside of me
You can’t see the tears I bleed each time you hurt me
You can’t see the way my heart shatters into a million pieces when you devalue me
Oh, how I wish things were different between us!
How I long for you to love and accept me for who I am
I would be a fool to believe that things might change between us
It won’t, and perhaps never will
I know this because I see it in your look ; in your words; in your actions…

Dear beloved stranger
Indeed we are like two strangers
We’ve lived together, yet we don’t know each other
Nor understood each other
And when we try to understand each other,
We lose ourselves in a sea of never-ending arguments
We may be related by blood,
But that is the only relation we’ll ever have
It used to depress me
But now I’ve come to accept it
To outsiders you may be my mother
But to me, you are only a beloved stranger.

© October 2009

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