My Thoughts On Homophobia And Same-Sex Marriages

Every time I come across a “debate,” I’d vow and tell myself that I won’t get involved or participate, ‘cause I know once I get sucked into it, it eats up a lot of my time and energy, and often the person I end up “debating” with turns out to be so narrow-minded and thickheaded that it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t help myself when a friend of mine posted the following on her wall. It read:

“Maryland’s Senate approved same-sex marriages. Congratulations Maryland ♥”

I, of course, did not realize that my friend had the sort of people on her list who are not only homophobic, but are also utterly misinformed, which in turn contributes to their ‘phobia’. And when I commented and showed my immense happiness and support for Maryland’s approval of same-sex marriages, I honestly wasn’t prepared for the trail of negative comments (against homosexuals and same-sex marriages) that followed suit. Not only was I asked what was so awesome about same-sex marriages, but this other person completely caught me off-guard when he blatantly told me, and I quote verbatim, that “Homosexuality is a disease.” Good fucking grief.

Now this post isn’t about how ridiculously misinformed those individuals, with whom I was having this discussion with, are, but rather, I want to explain that homosexuality is not a choice. I honestly have no idea where people get the notion that homosexuality is a life choice – a choice that will cost them not only their social life, but also unnecessary hate, disownment, and in worse cases, death. Yeah, it’s a choice, all right! A great freakin’ choice! :: eye roll ::

The incredulous thing is that the person, who declared that homosexuality is a disease, also said that same-sex marriages will now lead to higher suicide rates, more promiscuity, more depression, more substance abuse, etc. And he further claimed that “studies have proven this.” The question I ask is: If, and I mean a big if, studies have proven that same-sex marriages indeed leads to an increase of the above-mentioned, then that means that the study must have been conducted by going to every single individual household that consists of gay couples, right? And that must also mean that that person (researcher), or group of people (researchers), actually lived with these couples, monitored every single thing they said/did, and by comparing it to heterosexual couples (assuming that they did a similar study on them) came to the conclusion that homosexual marriages are a no go, ‘cause it’s simply a recipe for disaster. But, then, another trail of questions arises: If gay marriage has indeed contributed to the increase of all of the above-mentioned, why are so many states approving it? Does that imply that heterosexual couples are devoid of any, or all, of the above-mentioned? Can we say for a fact that heterosexual couples are more “normal” or “stable” than homosexual couples? Of course, the further I delve into this, the more senseless and irrelevant it sounds.

And besides, even if there were such a study to prove the negativity around same-sex marriages, it mostly would have been conducted by a biased, homophobe moron anyway. Why else would anyone want to study something this vague, unless they, themselves, had some personal vendetta against homosexuality? I’m sure it doesn’t take much common sense to realize this. And, to me, such studies carry no absolute value or relevancy; and if someone were to tell me to read such a biased, one-sided “study,” I’d simply shred it into a million pieces and throw it in the recycling bin.

So, yes, homosexuality is not a disease, nor is it a choice, but rather it is innate; people don’t wake up one day and decide they want to be gay. It doesn’t work that way, no matter what kind of environment or surrounding they are living in. As a matter of fact, surrounding has nothing to do with it, as some misinformed people seem to assume. And I, myself, don’t want to assume or make assumptions either, but  it appears that considering the society we come from (Eastern society, in particular), and because there is so much negative stigma around homosexuality and the like, it’s natural for many of us to despise it and wish we would never get exposed to it. Well, guess what? It exists, even in our own society, except that most people turn a blind eye to it. I guess it’s better to live in denial than face the truth. I’m sure if we were conditioned since birth that it’s normal to be gay/lesbian, then there obviously wouldn’t be any negativity towards it. But alas!

It’s this fear of the unknown that drives us, as humans, to judge and make baseless assumptions, just because we don’t, or refuse, to understand why some people are they way they are. It’s like we are afraid to accept differences, because we have been conditioned with the belief that all people should be the same, whether it’s our beliefs (religion), culture, way of life, or sexual orientation. Anything that is different or alien suddenly becomes hated and is considered an adversary. And, so, it must be shunned and eradicated from society by all means.

To me, not only is this utterly despicable, but it is anti-progressive. Where the West is making an attempt to move forward (even though there do exist many homophobes [Rick Shitface Santorum anyone?]; yet it’s making an attempt to become progressive!). And by approving gay marriages, it is doing just that.

I have friends, very close and dear friends, who are homosexual; and I also knew a co-worker who was married to another woman, and she also had a son – a 14 year old– through in-vitro. And, to me, they were the most beautiful, most lovable, and most stable family I’d ever met. Each time my colleague would talk about her partner, whom she was friends with for 11 years before they married in 2009, she would get all starry-eyed. And I couldn’t help thinking what reason would someone have to hate her, or her beautiful family, for that matter, when all they wanted to do was just live? Why do we always feel the need to impose our beliefs, our way of looking at things on someone else, without just accepting them for who they are and letting them be? It’s so disheartening and makes me question whether I’d want my own kids to be surrounded with so much hatred and negativity, which sadly, exists greatly in my own culture. I realize exposure to such detestation would be inevitable, but it will definitely be something that my kids will never partake in.

Anyway, I’m really happy that I’m living in a country where differences are accepted and same sex marriages are becoming the norm. It would really, really disturb me to live in a society where anything that didn’t comply with societal norms was banned, and further degraded, simply because some people are stupid enough to believe that such things and/or relationships go against the ‘laws of nature’. I mean what laws of nature? Just because some people don’t agree with it, nor accept it, doesn’t mean that it’s not natural? Who the heck are they to decide this?

We are so despicable. We literally find ways to hate, even if it’s uncalled for. And as disappointing as it sounds, we are our own greatest downfall (and enemy), simply because we can’t recognize the ‘human’ in everyone.

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18 responses to “My Thoughts On Homophobia And Same-Sex Marriages

    • Thank you so much for your comment, David. And, yes, I totally agree with you in that there is indeed so much chaos and misery in the world, and where people find a little bit of happiness and comfort in each other, not only are they criticized and belittled for it, but they are TOLD that what they are doing is WRONG and goes against nature. I don’t know how people can have the power to judge and label others this way? I really hate this whole concept of “right” and “wrong” that people keep bombarding us with. If something is different or out of the norm, suddenly it’s seen as taboo and hazardous to society. Gosh, it truly sickens me.

  1. Of all the homosexuals in the world, those that need support and understanding by their society the most are the ones among Pashtun people. Nice to hear a Pashtun having something positive to say about homosexuals.

    • Thanks for your comment, Nashanas. Well, this is something that has been bothering me for a while now, and I’m sure there was a time, a very, very, long time ago, when I, too, wondered about homosexuality and considered it “wrong” and “unnatural” ONLY because I wasn’t exposed to it before, and also maybe because I was TOLD that it was wrong and taboo. And I hear this a LOT from fellow Pashtuns, and not only back home, but also those that live in North America, mind you. They are not only against it, and show their hate towards it, but they also claim that it’s a “disease” and that people “choose” to become gay. It’s sheer ignorance, but it is what it is, I suppose. The most I can do is write on it, shed light on it, and hope that people who visit my blog, especially Pashtuns, learn something from it, rather than label me or make it seem like I’m encouraging it, when I’m only trying to clear any misconceptions around it.

      Are you Pashtun, by the way? (From your name, I would assume you are.)

  2. Yeah I am a Pashtun from KP.

    What really bothers me is the hypocritical attitudes among our people. They love to indulge in homosexual activities but look at gays with contempt. Actually among the Pashtuns, Homosexuality has an entirely different definition. Its so common for men to fall in love with “pretty boys”. Pedophilia is on the rise and people that molest kids talk against homosexuality in the loudest of voices.

    Once in the masjid a Tableeghi jamaat Ameer Saab was talking about the moral decline in the West and he said that the situation is so bad there that now they allow men to marry men (i was surprised he didnt say anything about women marrying women). He continued and said its our duty to save the mankind from hell and blah blah blah. I asked him what about the homosexuality among us? the question surprised many sitting over there. The Ameer saab never answered me. And someone sitting in the audience told my father later that evening.

    • It’s very ironic, isn’t it? And, yes, I know how common homosexuality is in KPK, as well as in many parts of the Muslim world, but people just turn a blind eye to it, ’cause it’s just convenient, or maybe ’cause they have no explanation for it, except to call it some sort of “Western sickness.”

      And, you’re very right in that these self-righteous Mullahs are quick to pick on the West, declare them highly “immoral” because they’re now allowing gay marriages, yet they fail to realize that they *themselves* molest young boys, and who knows, probably even sleep with other men too. It’s like it’s OKAY for them to do it, but if other people do it, then it’s like sooo wrong, sooo taboo, and they should all just be killed! :: eye roll ::

      It just boggles me how there exists this uncanny sort of denial, which is not only very contradictory, but doesn’t make any iota of sense in the grander scheme of things.

      I am not surprised that that Ameer saab never answered you. I mean what was he supposed to say anyway? The poor guy was probably in so much utter denial that he probably thought you were talking gibberish. Ugh!

      By the way, it’s great reading your thoughts. It’s really refreshing to come across a fellow enlightened Pashtun. I’m so sick of the ones who blatantly tell me what’s right and wrong, blah blah. Like give me a break! There is no such thing as right and wrong, and even if it exists, it’s all up to interpretation. What may seem right to you, might seem wrong to me, and vice versa. Of course, things like humanity, charity, not hurting/killing others, etc. are considered good things, by default, and don’t need explanations (or interpretations), but still, sometimes one needs to be constantly reminded of such things so that they don’t lose sense of what it is to be human. Sigh.

    • Oh, and just to add one more thing. This one guy I was having this debate with — Pashtun guy who just so happens to live in Pekhawar and is involved pretty heavily in the media — tells me, no wait, INSISTS, that homosexuality is a choice, ’cause he used to know this one guy in the media who wasn’t gay at first, but as soon as he gained popularity and wealth, he finally revealed that he was, in fact, gay. And then he was like, “See, the media can manipulate our minds and make us change our sexual preferences.” I honestly didn’t know whether or laugh or cry at his comment. Not only was it pathetically ignorant, but what he failed to realize was that it could have been very possible that this guy (whom he claimed came out of the closet out of choice) was actually gay ALL along, but kept it under wraps as we all very well know Pashtuns’ attitudes towards gay people. And once he attained popularity, wealth, and perhaps even security, maybe he felt that he didn’t need to hide his sexuality any more and finally had the courage to reveal his true self. Of course, when I explained that to the guy (I was debating with), he simply just disagreed and told me I was very misinformed and extremely sucked into the “western” mind frame.

      It’s very frustrating coming across such people to debate with, but I guess my philosophy is that at least I’m TRYING , you know? It might be an epic fail, but while it may not benefit the person I’m “debating” with, someone else could perhaps get something out of it.

  3. its better to try and fail than never to try at all. As you said earlier some people live in a state of constant denial.

    I was studying in Islamia college Peshawar and was very active with a student political organization. It was my last semester in the college when new students commonly referred to as “chargan” enrolled in the first year. One of the new students in the college hostel was playing music and the pious of the IJT came over and asked him to stop music. He refused to get give in and later on that night he got raped by the same people who claim to instill “Islamic” values in the students. I heard of the news and i went to talk to my friends and asked them to take action, at least organize a demonstration. The “sadar Seb” said….mara agha kho da makhkay na Kuni wo”.

    So the guys who raped a kid got away with it because he was a “kuni”. The word got out but no body reacted, not even the college administration. So who would dare come out and declare that they are gay?

    • I grew up in a society that is teeming with frustration (I dont know if thats a correct expression). People do things that are unimaginable. Women and kids get raped and the same people who commit these rapes go to a mosques, fill the “Kooza and Lota” and take a cool shower and pray after an Imam who probably raped kids when he was studying to be a “Mufti”. It sickens me to death.

      • Wo, da kho dah. You pretty much nailed it. Like I said earlier, these people have no remorse; they just shove everything under the carpet and pretend like nothing’s wrong. It is indeed deeply disturbing, but I guess that’s just how it is, especially with these hypocritical, self-righteous religious assholes. Ughhh. 😐

    • Wow…I’m utterly speechless, and deeply sickened. Thank you for sharing this story. I can’t believe that poor boy was raped/abused, simply because he refused to stop playing music. Seriously, what a ridiculously sick world we live in! I’m even more pissed at that person who told you che agha makhey na kuni wo…da sanga khabara dah, mara? Dasay keesay za wowram, ow biya zaan la thaposs kawom che munga welay dumra pa shaa patay shwoo? It makes perfect sense why we are the way we are. It’s so pathetic. It’s like we find justifications for EVERYTHING, even the horrible things that happen. And some just shove it under the carpet, making it seem like it’s no big deal. Deera da absoss khabara dah. Banda dumra khappa she, che bus dartha sah uweyma. Taso wuss KPK ke wuseygay? Zaaba ka khairey KPK ta darzama, pa January ke, for my thesis fieldwork. And as much as I’m looking forward to it, a part of me is dreading it. 😐

  4. Well such things happen all the time. But than there’s so much that is admirable. I remember that college girl in the bus who refused to be harassed and put a gun to the guy’s head who was harassing her. He got the beating of his life, he deserved it. People still stand up for themselves and the weak and poor. There are many things, practices and customs that ought to change with the time,but than there is a lot happening that keeps you from losing hope. The level of awareness among the young gives me hope. They are asking questions, they are being critical and they are refusing to listen to and believe in bullshit.

    Mullah’s religion has fucked our society up. Mullahs were just the service providers for centuries and thats it. They didn’t have a say in the communal life. We were a secular people and kept religion in the confines of the mosque. Mullahs lusted for some sort of power and the fasad against soviet union provided them the opportunity. They do not want to lose power and the petro-dollars that come with it. The journey is long and the road bumpy, but I think we will make it eventually. We have to shed the old mind-set and leave it behind. I think slowly and gradually, people are realizing it.

    • Yeah, the new generation is starting to become more aware and more educated about these issues. Ignorance is such a curse, especially in our society/culture. It literally pushing us further and further into a abyss of darkness, when we REALLY should be moving forward, like some of the rest of the world.

      Wow, you do sound positive and optimistic; more than me, haha. I am sure we will eventually make it, but I honestly don’t think it will be any time soon, as much as I hate to be negative. There is so many things we first need to overcome, especially our despicable attitude towards women. And these mullahs, gosh, what can I say? They disgust me with their holier-than-thou attitudes, ’cause we all know it’s all a facade, and they’re the ones who are the most fucked up in the head. Hypocrites is all what they are. Blatant hypocrites!

  5. I am finding your blog interesting, enlightening and beautiful.
    Sharing your ideas and thoughts is a pleasure. Reading the above I feel that many people have buried consciousness, not just in regard to same sex relationships but to many issues that they fear and would rather deny that they exist.

    • Aww, thank you so much, Les! I really appreciate your kind words, and your dropping by my blog. I’d love to read your thoughts on the different/various issues that I “try” to address on my blog, given that you have the time to contribute, of course. And you’re right to say that many people have a buried consciousness, especially when it comes to issues that are considered socially or culturally “taboo.” But it’s reality and it’s time that they started to accept it, ’cause there’s only so much one can deny. 😐

  6. Don’t want to get into detail but I can’t agree or accept it as a norm. Narrow minded or whatever some subjects are sensitive and its built-in e.g. Religion, Ghairat there’s no compromise on them.
    What west defines doesn’t mean it would be accepted elsewhere or that’s how it should be perceived by everyone.

    Homosexuality is Haraam simply because Allah declares it to be Haraam. An innate inclination towards homosexuality does not render it natural and ultimately acceptable.
    Even if a person is inclined to the same sex, he is required to curb his desires just as in the case where a person is inclined to a woman who is Haraam for him. He is required to control his desires and abstain.

    It doesn’t mean you should or everyone should agree with it, it’s my personal view and no disrespect to you or any group is meant.

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